THE MASCULINE MYSTIQUE

This tongue-in-cheek piece is MEANT TO ENTERTAIN not preach so please accept it as such and don’t get offended


I kept postponing this article unsure how the sensitive salseros would take it. But now Arnie won the recall race in spite of his “bad boy” reputation. Many women voted for him disregarding, or maybe even thanks to that info. Ever wondered why? Watch “The Man Who Loved Women” shot by the legendary French director Francois Truffaut in the 60s. (NOT the tacky Hollywood remake with Burt Reynolds). This classic not only will answer your question, it will give you insights into the female psyche and serve as a short-cut manual to the ladies’ affections.

After all, the French are internationally known for their creative and intricate courtship of women. Read classic French novels or watch “Liaisons Dangeureuses” if you’re not a reader. They created such gems as “behind every great man there is a great woman”, “man is the head and woman is the neck that turns the head”, “there are no ugly women, there are women who cannot take care of themselves” and countless others.

How do Americans fare in the romance domain? Lets’ just say that centuries old tradition of kissing the lady’s hand, well known and accepted (even if not used) all over the civilized world, gets prime-time attention in American media where the French president’s kiss planted on Bush’s wife’s hand gets played and replayed, analyzed and commented upon ad nauseum.

Before you rush out to find that movie (it ain’t at your corner video store, try Le Video or other foreign film collections) finish this article first.

Like the title? I borrowed it from a feminist book written back in the 60s or 70s: The Feminine Mystique. I haven’t read it, but I liked the title so much it even prompted me to come up with my own take on the opposite sex in the mini-world of salsa.

I sympathize with poor American males: the feminists’ attempts to kill all expressions of “ladies first” etiquette are undermining their feeble attempts to show cavalier attention. No wonder many are confused.

Here’s a secret, guys: all ladies, even the devout feminists, like your non-intrusive attention, even if they don’t show it. That’s at least one reason why salsa clubs are filled with refugees from the outside world thanks to its more traditional values where women can flaunt their sexiness and secretly enjoy the guys’ gawking.

The dance itself is a mini-relationship. From the moment you choose your prospective partner to the dance of glances, facial expressions and touches to its (hopefully) painless conclusion – it’s a perfect mini-rehearsal for your more serious endeavors with the opposite sex.

And now, after this prolonged prologue, back to our main topic. This one is for the ladies. Correct me if I’m wrong, guys, but the most sensitive (and hidden) salsa male preoccupation is his self-image, sometimes even only on a subconscious level. This is true for many gentlemen at large, but one can observe particularly expressive examples in dance clubs. Some are too embarrassed to venture on the dance floor afraid of being laughed at; some are too shy to ask ladies for a dance; some would ask only inexperienced dancers. These sweet guys avoid the limelight to protect their fragile self-esteem. Even some obnoxious types often hide their shattered self-image with offensive behavior.

Then there are a few who, albeit for the same reason, crave the attention and try to display their true or perceived prowess at any opportune moment. They would dance only with top-notch (ideally young and sexy) partners who would attract the viewers’ attention and by extension make THEM look good. God forbid the follower makes a mistake. These sensitive souls take it personally and worry about others’ reaction – after all, according to the cavalier male indoctrination, leaders are responsible for the flawless performance (?) One German questionnaire asked men what they are afraid of most. The answer: women. How many salseros would admit or even realize that?

How do we deal with these “flower children”? Understanding of his sensitive nature would help protect his ego and avoid resentment. Unless we never want to see the guy again, we better abstain from any form of criticism. Some innocent comments might be taken negatively as well. On the other hand, compliments will go a long way. After all, their purpose in life is to make us happy (right?) and if we smile and thank him for something he’s done well (come on ladies, there must be something) he’ll feel like a hero. Even if you say,” wow, you didn’t step on me today!” (All this psychological mambo-jumbo is derived from John Gray’s many books or videos such as “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”. So if you don’t agree, argue with the author, he lives in Marin)

Luckily, there are many more great dancers who are secure enough to be outgoing and assertive without being rude or vindictive. They learnt to accept rejection without taking it personally (we all need that skill sometimes) and they are not worried about how they look on the dance floor. They enjoy dancing either in crowds or alone and that confidence helps them improve, experiment and attract more partners.

Salsa dancing allows men to feel in charge, they like the control of the lead when they can do what they want with you (or so they think). So let’s relax and melt in their hands, let them feel they are “the head” if that makes them happy. It’s enough for us to know what and who really makes them “spin”.

DIP (dance in peace)