Ok, ok, it’s too rough, but I got your attention, right? Don’t know what I mean? Read on.
Salsa scene can be divided into two main groups (with minor subgroups): the overwhelming majority of social dancers whose main purpose of clubbing is other than the art of dancing, and salsa junkies who are there primarily for dancing and improving their skills.
Both articles offering advice to men and women on how to get asked to dance contain some great suggestions. However, from a practical perspective not all of them make sense. Just imagine a woman saying hi to every man she passes by, smiling, standing in the “traffic lane” with arms at her waist, staring only at the dancers, not talking or even standing close to other women and telling several men:”I want to dance with you, and you, and you…” What do you think people, both men and women will think of her…?
Oh sure, it would be wonderful if everybody would realize she is just friendly (certainly not to women). But based on experience, it could be safely assumed that she would be misunderstood by most men who will delude themselves into thinking “she wants me!” and would offer more attention than wanted or anticipated. For that reason many women do avoid even eye contact. Can you blame them?
As far as standing in “the traffic lane” is concerned, at least, the suggestion was not to hold a drink and place your toes on the EDGE of the dance floor (do you really think men check where women’s toes are in crowded clubs?) Anyone going to Cocomo, for example, knows how inconsiderate it is for people to crowd passageways. You literally have to push your way through sometimes.
The part about letting men check you out is insulting but true. The author himself admitted that men’s main focus is on attractive ladies. Even advanced and choosy male salseros will dance with beginners if they find them appealing. The same would apply to girls maybe to a lesser extent. It seems there are very few uniquely dance motivated individuals out there. It’s a social scene first and foremost and we have to try at least not to take it personally.
Easier said than done, you’ll say. I know how hard it is to swallow rejection. My first time I was crushed. In fact, I was convinced (still do) that as a rule you do not refuse a lady. However, I had to give up many of my etiquette rules if I wanted to dance.
I still think it’s rude to chew gum while dancing or talking to a person; I still think it’s rude to invite somebody to dance with a head wave standing across the floor; I still think it’s rude to head on to the dance floor and expect your chosen partner to follow behind; I do think it’s nice to lead her by the hand. Too old fashioned? Maybe. But I’m sure most ladies would agree with me.
One of the suggestions deserves a close look, however. Don’t ask a man to dance, - tell him you want to dance with him. Or better yet, take him by the hand and lead him to the dance floor. He’ll be flabbergasted and would not have a chance to refuse. It’s worth a try.
So your choice of advice will depend on which group of dancers you want to dance with. Some suggestions, such as cleanliness, are a must for all. Some, like the ability to vary your moves and have a good lead, would not be that important if your goal is “to score”. Don’t forget though, this is a partner dance and your partner’s goal should match yours. If you like the lady and want contact with her, but she happens to be a salsa-nut without any ulterior motives, both of you will be disappointed. NOBODY IS AT FAULT HERE, folks. Please, do not get offended if you’re rejected for a dance.
However, there’s another reason why some people would refuse to dance with you: they are worried about how they look on the dance floor. Even though followers totally depend on their leaders I did not hear women voicing these concerns. Men do not complain either, but it’s a reason not to be mentioned in the dance circles for obvious reasons. It’s insecurity about their abilities to lead an inexperienced partner who will make THEM look bad. They falsely assume that a skilled follower will improve their image. God forbid you make a mistake with such a sensitive partner, you can almost feel his anxiety. Some dancers forget it’s just a dance and put too much pressure on themselves to perform flawlessly to preserve their shaky ego. There’s also this desire to be seen with a well-known good dancer: if he/she is willing to dance with you, others pay attention and want to try you too. What should be kept in mind, however, is that if you’re truly good you’ll get noticed no matter who you dance with and if you’re good with a beginner even more so.
A lot has been said about salsa cliques. Yes, they do exist and if you want to be “in” you’ve got your work cut out for you: learn to dance well enough to attract attention of advanced dancers. If you abhor the idea of cliques in general, you can find good dancers with similar views. There’s one common outcome though: the better you get, the more you price yourself out of the dancing market, so to speak. Just think of your life before salsa. You were happy to shake to simple monotonous beats – no skills required. But once you tasted the spicy steaming salsa hotpot, there’s no turning back. Your previous dance life seems boring and senseless. Same with everything. As a beginner you were happy to dance with anybody, but as you get better, going back in time is not much fun.
I’m eternally grateful to those who danced with me while I was learning salsa (try to do that with swing or tango – you’ll be glued to the bench if you can’t dance) And that’s a beauty of having many social dancers: they’ll dance with you regardless of your skill level. But as you progress, dancing with beginners becomes more of a chore. You want somebody who will challenge you, who will show you new moves, who will make it fun again. That way your chance for more excitement becomes smaller and smaller and in the end you are limited to a small group of advanced dancers.
It must be noted that it’s a different experience for men and women. As followers, ladies do not have any control in salsa, no opportunity to escape a bad lead. On the other hand, they have a chance to experience many different styles and moves, learn from the leader and become flexible. The leaders, however, in exchange for their control, are stuck with what they know. They cannot learn from their partner and therefore must take lessons or watch others in order to enrich their repertoire.
Both men and women want to dance with better dancers. But for leaders it is only a difference between a good follower and the inexperienced one. Oh sure, you want her to know how to respond to your lead, to have skills to do it and be able to understand what you want, but as one professional dancer put it – with a good lead she doesn’t have a choice but to follow. After all, the ultimate skill as a leader is to dance with a total beginner and make her look good. I’ve seen that done. The lady is the picture and the leader is the frame, remember? Ok, that statement might not necessarily be fair: everybody has a different lead that matches some followers’ style better than others’. But in the worst-case scenario, men can always do their own thing. As for the ladies, they do not have that option. They must follow the leader no matter what he does and if he himself doesn’t know what he is doing, how much fun is that for her?
Moreover, traditionally men are asking women to dance and if she is considerate enough to dance with one beginner, many others are in line.. She ends up dancing out of courtesy to others not having fun herself. She paid the money to go to clubs, she is there to have fun, so please, gentlemen, be understanding. To a lesser extent (for the above mentioned reasons) the same applies to advanced male dancers, even though dancing with beginner followers improves your lead, guys.
On the other hand, what happens when clique dancers isolate themselves? Sure, they are having fun dancing with each other. But they also lose flexibility necessary to adapt to various styles and moves. The leaders learn only their head honcho’s patterns and the followers begin to anticipate every move losing the excitement of variety. The clique becomes an incestuous cocoon wrapped in its own binding.
A Dance Etiquette flyer from the Metronome Ballroom suggests that you do not refuse a dance to anybody unless they’re drunk. Do you agree? It’s a dilemma that will always be present in dance circles. And everyone will have to decide that for himself.
DIP (Dance In Peace)
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